Moving Mountains...

I have to say that this past year has been one filled with many new discoveries of myself, my family and others as well.  I have seen three therapists, been on two different medications, watched my parents start their own journey in recovery, had a handful of panic attacks, dropped all my classes within a few weeks of starting them, seen how I have interacted with my sister and other people close to me....I have learned so much and keep continually learning about myself and everyone around me.  I have come to the realization that I have become addicted to food, been a co-dependent person my whole life, and that I haven't always had a healthy way of thinking.  There are so many things that have happened in my life that have contributed to who I am now and why I am the way I am.  I want to share this because there are many others living with dysfunction as well as trauma in their lives, and it affects not only them but others in their lives.  I have learned about why I am such a people pleaser and that I value what others think of me.  I turn to food to comfort me and if I can't control other parts of my life then I can always control food.  It is such a hard thing to face.  I am not the person that I want to be.  I am in the middle of my own recovery process and at the moment I don't have anyone to connect with.  Support is such an important thing.  I have learned that and so many other things from my parents.  I am so thankful for them and I am trying to work on my relationship with them everyday.  Growing up I thought I had a normal life but since a year ago everything seems to have turned upside down.  That isn't necessarily a bad thing though.  When things become different in my life, I try to find the positives.  Knowing what I know now has made a world of difference in my life.  Every day I'm still struggling and trying to overcome the weaknesses I have over certain things.  God has blessed me with this life and I was born to make a difference in peoples lives.  I was born with many gifts just like everyone else is.  We all have our own unique talents and abilities.  I want everyone to see their purpose in life.  There is joy in this life but sometimes we have to fight through the depression and sorrow to find it.  I know that is something I deal with daily.  I believe we are all stronger than we think.  If we have strong enough faith in ourselves and God, as well as others, that really does give us the ability to move mountains.  Your mountain may be that you don't have a job to support yourself and the dreams you have, or it may be an addiction that you have.  I feel as if I have many mountains in my life and I am really trying hard to have faith in myself...God is magnificent and never changing.  His faith in us never seems to die.  It seems I've forgotten how precious He sees all of us and how much He really loves us.  And with that I say peace and much love.

- Charity

Him & I

Today something happenend. Today is the start of something new...something I have never experienced before. I was asked out today by my childhood sweetheart. Tyler Lee Darnell and I have known each other approximately ten and a half years. If you do not know much about him, you should know that he is the kindest, sweetest, honest, giving, loving person I have ever known. He cares deeply about others and looks deep within others and wants to do the right thing always. Tyler is a young man who has helped me so much that I do not even know how to thank him. We grew up together going to each others houses ALL the time...we would go swimming in his pool and swimming at my house on the lake...we would play games on the play ground and be there for each other's birthdays. We were the definition of childhood romance...it was puppy love. When eighth grade hit, we sort of disconnected and didn't spend time together like we did. Throughout highschool we were still friends and would say hello occasionally. Ever since we started college we got reconnected and started hanging out ALL the time again and of course still do. And today he decided to ask me. I said yes. Tyler is unlike any other "guy" I've dated. He is a young man who respects me, listens to me, is able to relate to me, and some how knows what I need. God is using me to do great things and He is using Tyler too. There are some wonderful things in store for us. I am so happy with where life is at and I look forward to what lies ahead. So keep the faith...Peace and much love - Charity

Not Happy

I am not happy right now. It seems my past is burdening me. Every mistake and every bad decision haunts me. It's either my parents or my sister who decide that I need to be reminded of the wrong things I do when I want to do something that doesn't seem to sit right with them. My feelings are crushed and I'm not just upset...I'm angry. I am angry that I am now eighteen and having such a hard time with my family accepting that I really want to be independent...the thing they've pushed me to be for so long. It's like everything I do that seems wrong to everyone and all I want to do is be my own person. I want to escape from the world that I've known and just find myself. I'm not the person I was before. I'm leaving the little girl who was so attached to mom and dad behind...I'm Charity the eighteen year old whose in college getting a degree in social work and making up my own mind and decisions. I'm taking responsibility for myself and seeing that it isn't so hard if I just push myself. It's like when your a kid you have your parents dress you, then when you get older you dress yourself how you want dress and you even buy your own clothes and chose how to spend your money. I'm eighteen. I'm done with dealing with being a big sister and trying to watch what I do for a sister who hasn't opened up to me. I love her dearly but she has been so hurtful to me that I feel like we just don't even need to talk sometimes. I always come back to the feeling that I should just move out and leave my family behind and get a job and keep my studies going and get on with life. My parents have pushed me so much and now that I'm eighteen I just never want to tell them what I'm doing or where I'm going...I just want to escape from it all...to just go on a trip and meet people and see things and experience things and do something great with my life. I'm tired of feeling like I'm doing nothing. I want to be happy and I'm not feeling like that right now. Life is chaotic and I feel lost with so much but I just want to feel like me, Charity, the person I've always been on the inside...outgoing and independent. I want to just be free of the past and the people who keep hurting me by bringing those hurts to the surface...they need to know that my feelings can't be toyed around with and I'm in a new season of my life. I will be happy someday...but when...

I am my own worst enemy...

I'm sitting at my dining room table listening to music and trying to plow my way through this annotative bibliography and I am in the middle of crashing into a wall and I'm not sure when the recovering will start. I am full of doubts, questions, confusion, and hopes. I am loosing confidence in what I really want to do and I feel like giving up sometimes. My parents keep getting on me about things and remind me that college is not high school and I understand that. College is hard for me. Its something that I still haven't gotten used to. My dad says, "well maybe your not ready for college..." and I was like no...I have to do this...there isn't anything else for me to do...I'm not going to put off my education even more...I would be more miserable doing nothing. I'm not the best student when it comes to things, but when it comes to certain classes....I really want to learn and be apart of the class even though I may be shy...I really am interested and want to do my best...I don't want my best effort to be a C-. I feel pressure from my family to do this or to do that but its not exactly what I envision....well I envision changing the world and that's a little hard to do by yourself. I have to find what I want to do in life and just do it and find my own way. I want to help people and that's it...whatever the career be...it will be centered around helping people and doing right by them. I want to give others opportunities and hope. I'm tired of being this shy person who keeps hitting the wall and is passive about so many issues. It needs to change and I need to make a plan and establish it and be proactive. I want to prove it to the people who doubt me and to the people who love and support me and for myself....because I truly am my own worst enemy.

What is this thing called Love?

Frank Frank Frank....oh how your melodies soothe me...I am giving up. I am giving up on trying to like a person or thinking that someone likes me. I am tired of it all. My self esteem has totally plummeted to near not having any and I can not focus like I usually can. My heart is entangled in something of a mess and I do not know what to do. I wish I could be in my mid twenties...and be like Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail or Keira Knightley in Pride & Prejudice...they ended up with great men whole loved them completely. I want a man to fall in love with me like James Stewart in It's a Wonderful Life when George falls in love with Mary when she grew up into a young woman and she had been waiting there in Bedford Falls...gah...I am a mess at the moment when dealing with this situation. I don't know if I know how to be in a relationship or what...I need to make a life plan for myself and just go with it and know that God is there with me and that I will make a difference in someone's life. I know that I deserve respect from a guy and that I should give them respect. But he has to prove himself to me and he is going to have to be willing to be patient with my feelings and my emotions. I am terribly shy and opening up can be hard for me and lately I feel like I'm not sure what direction I should go in. Lately I'm starting to think I'm not so much of a great girl as everyone is telling me. It would be nice however to start hearing that from guys...and not girls...yeah I love my friends but it would be nice to hear that I'm good looking to the opposite sex and that they could see me as more than a friend...I don't feel beautiful anymore and I am doubting my self and my confidence is sucky. I'm really lost and I don't like it one bit.

AHHHHHHH!!!!

Lately I've been feeling pretty blah with minor exceptions. Let's look at a few areas of my life, shall we? To start off with, I've been having problems with my stomach again...they were really bad then got a little bit better and now they are getting worse again. I want to just take this stomach out and get a new one. I am not sure what to do...well...my doctor said that I had to drink more water, exercise, and continually adding fiber to my diet and maintaining a balanced diet in which I eat throughout the day so I don't go hungry and things like that. I feel like college has totally screwed that up...the whole food thing as well as my sleep cycle. My bedtime is whenever the homework gets done lol. As far as my classes go...art is going fantastic...I recieved a 94 for my midterm and have been getting really good grades on every assignment. I love the people in my class and find it fairly easy to talk with them and to get to know them. I have a lot of fun being in art. I enjoy my government and history classes too. I have the same professer for both and he is really good at teaching. He demands participation from us and it is hard with me because I'm quiet. It definitely affected my grade. I get a's in both classes but today I found out I got a C+ because of lack of speaking up. And then there is math class. I absolutely dread this class and because of this class...I find math completely useless lol. My teacher is boring and doesn't explain things very well...the only good thing about that class is that I have Jamie in it and it's nice to finally be able to talk to my brother and get to know him. Now as far as relationships goes...I ended one a little over a month ago. It was the best decision of my life thus far. I am much happier now and I'm moving on to bigger and better things...though there is someone who has caught my attention and is hoping for the best...I want to give things time and just do what I need to do. I've not been at church in a long time and I'm starting to wonder if I should fine a church to start going to...so if you know of one let me know please. I believe God has always been faithful and He is continually. Life is beautiful right now and I'm the happiest I've been in a long long time.

Kiva

This morning I finally decided to get out the Kiva certificate for Kiva that Mr. Wood gave me as apart of my graduation gift. The certificate was for $25. I chose to give to Gloria Reyna Vasquez De Lima in Pucallpa-ucayali, Peru. She is in her late thirties and she is a weaver trying to make blouses to sell. She has a loan for $700 and I was her first doner. I am so excited to see her business grow and to help others get their small businesses up and running. I want to encourage anyone who can to donate, even if its a small amount. Doing things like this makes me feel like I can affect someone in a huge way. I know that if I was with a program with Kiva and I needed money for my small business that I would be completely humbled and grateful for someone believing in me. I do have experience with a small business considering my dad. I remember when we started out right at our house with my dad screen printing in the garage and laying signs all over the house to dry and having the Wilde Signs office in my bed room with my bed in the corner. I remember the struggles and the joys that came with starting a business and even now that my fathers sign company has business all over the country, we still have hardships. I appreciate what these people do and they are making a difference in their lives as well as their families and communities.