COLLEGE KID

It's official. I am going to college next fall. I got accepted into Aquinas. I will spend the next four years of my life studying and majoring in Art to become a high school art teacher. I want to minor in History or something else like that. After getting my acceptance letter, all I could think was that my life was starting, it has officially begun and I am scared silly about it. But my mind set is this, that I have been through many obstacles, and beaten them....and what ever comes my way now, will be a peace of cake. I am a shy, dependent kid who is scared to do a lot of things. But college is something I think I need to overcome this. I feel like I will stumble and hit the wall, but I already have so it's not like my world will fall around me. The only thing that I pray for is that I am able to stay close to God and impact the lives of teenagers. I want to change the world, and that starts with young minds. I have so much optimism and hope for the kids I know, and I want to mentor and shape them. I am scared that I will run out of time. I am scared that I won't have enough time on this earth to greatly impact it, and to share my heart and faith. I do have confidence in myself that I will go places and do great things in what time I do have. God is good and I must remind myself this. When all else fails, there is a God who is loving, standing tall in the ruble as dust is settling on the broken structures considered chaos. He rises above it all, and is a clear view in the distance. This is what we all need to remind ourselves, because I think that sometimes we get too wrapped up in worrying. We just need to relax and let God take the reigns....right?

MY SEVENTEENTH YEAR

Today I am seventeen. I am thankful for all the years that I have been on this earth. I am grateful that I get to worship the God that I do, and no one criticizes me...and even if they did, I'd still be grateful lol. Life is good now. I am happy. I am content. Peace flows through these veins and I am The New Charity. When you see me, it's like there is this glow around me. lol...it's like I am iridescent. There of course still those minor kinks that I must work out, like college, churches, adult stuff....but that is okay. I am not worried about it, and if you are, then just breathe....and relax, close your eyes and focus on something that calms you, something that makes you happy....then you feel like your home. It's a great feeling. I promise :0). Don't ever doubt something because that means you don't have hope for it. Everything that you do, do it with enthusiasm and hope. It makes life and all that you do a lot more important.

GOD IS GOOD

God is good. Amen. He is. He loves me even though the mistakes I've made seem unforgivable. I am truly humbled by this. He stands for love, sincerity, joy, truth, peace, and all the good things in the world. I think of how blessed I am to be here, able to spread these amazing traits to other people. It is my life's joy. My heart is rejoycing. I hope you are rejoycing too.

CHANGE

I am single now. I have been for about a month or so. It was hard. For the first time, it was hard but now it isn't anymore. I realized things that I didn't before. I feel better off. It's like I see God at the end of this long road and I won't struggle anymore getting to him. Like my recent relationship was dragging me down. And it was for sure influencing me. I hated how I felt. I was sick. Emotionally and physically. Now I can heal after being through that and I feel that happening. I feel change. My heart is becoming different. I don't ache like I used to or feel burdens that would weigh me down, but now it's a different weight, I feel like I am getting anchored into the word and the truth of Jesus Christ and the Lord our God. I am still fighting but I have broke free from those chains. I sometimes feel pain. I sometimes think that marriage won't be available to me, like I used to. But it is different now, I am really accepting things for what they and will be. My heart is to follow God's will for my life. I want to move the streets. I want to be a Christian, a Christ-like Christian. Someone who loves unconditionally and understands and can help others. I want to fulfill my purpose. I want to live! I want to be happy, and I want to be selfless. I feel like there is so much criticism on my part for the things I have said and the things that I have done. I am ready for my heart not to ache any more or to cry myself to sleep. I want to feel joy and praise God in good and bad. I pray love for the young man whose heart I crushed. I pray that he is blessed beyond belief and that he finds peace where ever he goes. I truly loved him and a part of me still does. He will always be a close friend. But I had to let go. I was being pulled down by waves. I was drowning.....and that is really scary.

AQUINAS

I finally applied to Aquinas today. Even though Mr. Patton thought that I was going to apply to Hope. I feel like I am taking a big step and that I am starting to make my own decisions. I want to major in Art teacher education and teach art for high school students. I would love it if I could teach at Oakridge. Then I am minoring in photography. I am soooo pumped. My goal with my future career is to keep these three things in mind: I have to love what I do, I have to be good at what I do, and most importantly that it should help make the world a better place. I think that teaching kids to open their minds to opportunities and different ways of looking at things can help shape them so that they can do something great.

UNBEAUTIFUL/UNSMART

I feel unbeautiful and unsmart. I realized this in first hour. I saw a certain someone and thought, she is beautiful, intelligent, outgoing, and everyone loves her. And I listened to everyone speaking and I felt like I was incapable of the knowledge being poured out into the silence. I felt like I couldn't say anything intelligent. I actually started to feel like this for a while. I know that I need to pray about it and that I should read my bible and that I have to do this and that. But I want to do something else.....but what? I feel like dropping my first two hours.....that's horrible.

CHURCH

I feel like I want to change churches. This thought came to me after my first time back to youth group earlier this month and then I haven't been back since. And I haven't been to Sunday services for a couple weeks. There are things that I love about Oakcrest and things that I feel aren't totally right. I just didn't feel welcomed anymore. I feel like when we go to church, everything we learned stays there, that no one gives us a challenge. We don't leave and apply these things to our lives, but I want that. I want to take something that I learn and share it with all of Oakridge or the county, and eventually the world. These are the things I want to do. I don't like the thought of the church being four walls, a box. I have this picture in my mind that the churches walls just fall and we are sitting outside in the open air, where our shouts of glory and praise aren't contained and everyone comes and hears the word of God and they don't feel intimidated by what the "reputation" of the church. So in conclusion.....I am going to look for a church that wishes the same things my heart does. I have to pray about it.....even though that's been hard for me to do for a while.....but I will break the wall. I will defeat the giant. Right David?

SENIOR YEAR

It is senior year for me. It is all exciting and yet contains a void.

I find that I am lost this year.

Que the void.

But I will get better.

Why?

Because God IS good.