Not Happy

I am not happy right now. It seems my past is burdening me. Every mistake and every bad decision haunts me. It's either my parents or my sister who decide that I need to be reminded of the wrong things I do when I want to do something that doesn't seem to sit right with them. My feelings are crushed and I'm not just upset...I'm angry. I am angry that I am now eighteen and having such a hard time with my family accepting that I really want to be independent...the thing they've pushed me to be for so long. It's like everything I do that seems wrong to everyone and all I want to do is be my own person. I want to escape from the world that I've known and just find myself. I'm not the person I was before. I'm leaving the little girl who was so attached to mom and dad behind...I'm Charity the eighteen year old whose in college getting a degree in social work and making up my own mind and decisions. I'm taking responsibility for myself and seeing that it isn't so hard if I just push myself. It's like when your a kid you have your parents dress you, then when you get older you dress yourself how you want dress and you even buy your own clothes and chose how to spend your money. I'm eighteen. I'm done with dealing with being a big sister and trying to watch what I do for a sister who hasn't opened up to me. I love her dearly but she has been so hurtful to me that I feel like we just don't even need to talk sometimes. I always come back to the feeling that I should just move out and leave my family behind and get a job and keep my studies going and get on with life. My parents have pushed me so much and now that I'm eighteen I just never want to tell them what I'm doing or where I'm going...I just want to escape from it all...to just go on a trip and meet people and see things and experience things and do something great with my life. I'm tired of feeling like I'm doing nothing. I want to be happy and I'm not feeling like that right now. Life is chaotic and I feel lost with so much but I just want to feel like me, Charity, the person I've always been on the inside...outgoing and independent. I want to just be free of the past and the people who keep hurting me by bringing those hurts to the surface...they need to know that my feelings can't be toyed around with and I'm in a new season of my life. I will be happy someday...but when...

I am my own worst enemy...

I'm sitting at my dining room table listening to music and trying to plow my way through this annotative bibliography and I am in the middle of crashing into a wall and I'm not sure when the recovering will start. I am full of doubts, questions, confusion, and hopes. I am loosing confidence in what I really want to do and I feel like giving up sometimes. My parents keep getting on me about things and remind me that college is not high school and I understand that. College is hard for me. Its something that I still haven't gotten used to. My dad says, "well maybe your not ready for college..." and I was like no...I have to do this...there isn't anything else for me to do...I'm not going to put off my education even more...I would be more miserable doing nothing. I'm not the best student when it comes to things, but when it comes to certain classes....I really want to learn and be apart of the class even though I may be shy...I really am interested and want to do my best...I don't want my best effort to be a C-. I feel pressure from my family to do this or to do that but its not exactly what I envision....well I envision changing the world and that's a little hard to do by yourself. I have to find what I want to do in life and just do it and find my own way. I want to help people and that's it...whatever the career be...it will be centered around helping people and doing right by them. I want to give others opportunities and hope. I'm tired of being this shy person who keeps hitting the wall and is passive about so many issues. It needs to change and I need to make a plan and establish it and be proactive. I want to prove it to the people who doubt me and to the people who love and support me and for myself....because I truly am my own worst enemy.

What is this thing called Love?

Frank Frank Frank....oh how your melodies soothe me...I am giving up. I am giving up on trying to like a person or thinking that someone likes me. I am tired of it all. My self esteem has totally plummeted to near not having any and I can not focus like I usually can. My heart is entangled in something of a mess and I do not know what to do. I wish I could be in my mid twenties...and be like Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail or Keira Knightley in Pride & Prejudice...they ended up with great men whole loved them completely. I want a man to fall in love with me like James Stewart in It's a Wonderful Life when George falls in love with Mary when she grew up into a young woman and she had been waiting there in Bedford Falls...gah...I am a mess at the moment when dealing with this situation. I don't know if I know how to be in a relationship or what...I need to make a life plan for myself and just go with it and know that God is there with me and that I will make a difference in someone's life. I know that I deserve respect from a guy and that I should give them respect. But he has to prove himself to me and he is going to have to be willing to be patient with my feelings and my emotions. I am terribly shy and opening up can be hard for me and lately I feel like I'm not sure what direction I should go in. Lately I'm starting to think I'm not so much of a great girl as everyone is telling me. It would be nice however to start hearing that from guys...and not girls...yeah I love my friends but it would be nice to hear that I'm good looking to the opposite sex and that they could see me as more than a friend...I don't feel beautiful anymore and I am doubting my self and my confidence is sucky. I'm really lost and I don't like it one bit.

AHHHHHHH!!!!

Lately I've been feeling pretty blah with minor exceptions. Let's look at a few areas of my life, shall we? To start off with, I've been having problems with my stomach again...they were really bad then got a little bit better and now they are getting worse again. I want to just take this stomach out and get a new one. I am not sure what to do...well...my doctor said that I had to drink more water, exercise, and continually adding fiber to my diet and maintaining a balanced diet in which I eat throughout the day so I don't go hungry and things like that. I feel like college has totally screwed that up...the whole food thing as well as my sleep cycle. My bedtime is whenever the homework gets done lol. As far as my classes go...art is going fantastic...I recieved a 94 for my midterm and have been getting really good grades on every assignment. I love the people in my class and find it fairly easy to talk with them and to get to know them. I have a lot of fun being in art. I enjoy my government and history classes too. I have the same professer for both and he is really good at teaching. He demands participation from us and it is hard with me because I'm quiet. It definitely affected my grade. I get a's in both classes but today I found out I got a C+ because of lack of speaking up. And then there is math class. I absolutely dread this class and because of this class...I find math completely useless lol. My teacher is boring and doesn't explain things very well...the only good thing about that class is that I have Jamie in it and it's nice to finally be able to talk to my brother and get to know him. Now as far as relationships goes...I ended one a little over a month ago. It was the best decision of my life thus far. I am much happier now and I'm moving on to bigger and better things...though there is someone who has caught my attention and is hoping for the best...I want to give things time and just do what I need to do. I've not been at church in a long time and I'm starting to wonder if I should fine a church to start going to...so if you know of one let me know please. I believe God has always been faithful and He is continually. Life is beautiful right now and I'm the happiest I've been in a long long time.

Kiva

This morning I finally decided to get out the Kiva certificate for Kiva that Mr. Wood gave me as apart of my graduation gift. The certificate was for $25. I chose to give to Gloria Reyna Vasquez De Lima in Pucallpa-ucayali, Peru. She is in her late thirties and she is a weaver trying to make blouses to sell. She has a loan for $700 and I was her first doner. I am so excited to see her business grow and to help others get their small businesses up and running. I want to encourage anyone who can to donate, even if its a small amount. Doing things like this makes me feel like I can affect someone in a huge way. I know that if I was with a program with Kiva and I needed money for my small business that I would be completely humbled and grateful for someone believing in me. I do have experience with a small business considering my dad. I remember when we started out right at our house with my dad screen printing in the garage and laying signs all over the house to dry and having the Wilde Signs office in my bed room with my bed in the corner. I remember the struggles and the joys that came with starting a business and even now that my fathers sign company has business all over the country, we still have hardships. I appreciate what these people do and they are making a difference in their lives as well as their families and communities.

MCC FOR ME

I am going to MCC. I didn't want to but here I am...scheduling classes and figuring out how I'll pay for my classes since my FAFSA didn't come in on time. I like to think back to all the things that I wanted to be...the career that would essentially define who I was as a person. My first career that I wanted to pursue in the fourth grade was a teacher. I went from that to things like a fashion designer...a entrepenuer...interior designer...art teacher...chef and now I'm coming to a great conclusion. I have my career mapped out for me. I will be studying to get a bachelors in Social Work and a minor in Spanish. I want to do something that is going to help change the world. I've always wanted to do something that will change the world and I feel this career that I'm going into will become my life and it will not only make others feel better about their situation in life, but I feel like my heart will be changed as well. I need a job that will serve people and help them and encourage them to do what they love and get the help and love they need. I want to impact people's lives and do something worth my time and devote to others. I feel like the journey ahead of me will be worth it. I want to be a stronger and more noble person after college. As of right now...I'm timid and shy, easily intimidated, and insecure about a lot of things. I need this adventure because I need to grow so that I step out of that box that I have been so comfortable in. I need to feel independent. I want others to reach out to me instead of me always wanting to reach out to everyone else. I hate the way I feel because of what my parents might say to me...or my sister...or even my boyfriend. It's not always that they criticize me and point the finger at me and shove my mistakes in my face, because sometimes they do...but I'm tired of that. I don't like being that Charity who has a fear of everything...and who never wants to grow up...but that isn't the real me. I want to be outgoing and exciting. I don't want to be afraid of every little thing. I am ready for the real NEW & IMPROVED CHARITY...

Freedom

CURRENT STATUS: Graduated from Oakridge. Dating. No Job. No license. College? 17.

I don't think it's really hit me yet that I now have the rest of my life to be devoted to something...or may be many things. There is so much that I want to do. I feel like I will need a couple extra years in my life besides the how many ever God has planned for me. I am a graduate. The possibilities are endless. I have the world at my feet, and I can do anything...so Mr. Wood says. College = MCC. No more Aquinas. I am currently dating. I find that it's exactly the kind of relationship that I needed. Justin's the same age, I've known him since we were kids, and we graduated together....such a cool feeling. I am tired of dating older guys. They are too much for me and can really screw you up. I feel so blessed in every aspect of my life. I don't have a job however. I don't know what will happen with that...but we'll see. I still don't have my license which I will have to work on that as well. And this is all at 17. This shall be interesting....