DEPRESSION

At the moment, life sucks. Number One: God. I can't get close to Him for the life of me. Praying is an obstacle in itself. I feel alone. I feel like there is an invisible wall, and there seems to be nothing holding me back, but there is a stronger force than I realize. What have I become? Who am I? I am not the same person three and four years ago. I was happy then, in a naive way. I am not so happy. I think because I know the truth to so many things. God is the one thing that keeps me sane, and if I don't have Him, then what is worth living? I am reading The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren, and I feel hope when I read it. Number Two: Meaning. Reading that book, I feel will set me on my way to find my meaning in life. There is so many things I want to do before my life is over on this earth. I don't want to be selfish, I just want to do something bigger than myself, and have it be something I love at the same time. As of the moment I don't feel I am needed for anything, but somewhere out there, is a thought lingering in the air, a thought that says I am here for His divine purpose, that I am a beautiful person and I will be used in many ways. Number Three: Sympathy. I don't want to feel sorry for myself. I don't want others to have pity on me. I want help though, I want direction. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, "Help me, I need help!" I am scared. I am so scared of every new thing that enters my life, and all the old things in my past scare me. I am a truly unhappy, uncontent person. I am yet only seventeen years old, going through my mid life crisis. Ha, how ironic. Number Four: Friends. I have none. No true friends that I can surround myself with. No one from school can help fill the friendship void. No one shares the same interests as me. No one loves God so much as me at my school. I feel absolutely alone, and destitute. My heart aches for friendship. I watch as other girls get invited to do things right in front of me, and they don't bother to ask me or to include me. Apart of me has felt welcome at my school, for the first time in my whole life.....in my twelve and a half years of being in school, it was this past half year that I felt accepted the most. I have spent years being bullied by kids, being humiliated, and for the first time I feel accepted by the kids I have grown up with my whole life. I am just sorry that they don't know me, that we couldn't have gotten better aquainted because there is only five months left until graduation, and in which I may never seem some of them again. And I am sorry that I didn't do what I could. This fear has left me empty. And it has left me hurt. Who I am, is nothing as people see me. No one knows how bad my heart hurts because no one asks.