I am my own worst enemy...

I'm sitting at my dining room table listening to music and trying to plow my way through this annotative bibliography and I am in the middle of crashing into a wall and I'm not sure when the recovering will start. I am full of doubts, questions, confusion, and hopes. I am loosing confidence in what I really want to do and I feel like giving up sometimes. My parents keep getting on me about things and remind me that college is not high school and I understand that. College is hard for me. Its something that I still haven't gotten used to. My dad says, "well maybe your not ready for college..." and I was like no...I have to do this...there isn't anything else for me to do...I'm not going to put off my education even more...I would be more miserable doing nothing. I'm not the best student when it comes to things, but when it comes to certain classes....I really want to learn and be apart of the class even though I may be shy...I really am interested and want to do my best...I don't want my best effort to be a C-. I feel pressure from my family to do this or to do that but its not exactly what I envision....well I envision changing the world and that's a little hard to do by yourself. I have to find what I want to do in life and just do it and find my own way. I want to help people and that's it...whatever the career be...it will be centered around helping people and doing right by them. I want to give others opportunities and hope. I'm tired of being this shy person who keeps hitting the wall and is passive about so many issues. It needs to change and I need to make a plan and establish it and be proactive. I want to prove it to the people who doubt me and to the people who love and support me and for myself....because I truly am my own worst enemy.

What is this thing called Love?

Frank Frank Frank....oh how your melodies soothe me...I am giving up. I am giving up on trying to like a person or thinking that someone likes me. I am tired of it all. My self esteem has totally plummeted to near not having any and I can not focus like I usually can. My heart is entangled in something of a mess and I do not know what to do. I wish I could be in my mid twenties...and be like Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail or Keira Knightley in Pride & Prejudice...they ended up with great men whole loved them completely. I want a man to fall in love with me like James Stewart in It's a Wonderful Life when George falls in love with Mary when she grew up into a young woman and she had been waiting there in Bedford Falls...gah...I am a mess at the moment when dealing with this situation. I don't know if I know how to be in a relationship or what...I need to make a life plan for myself and just go with it and know that God is there with me and that I will make a difference in someone's life. I know that I deserve respect from a guy and that I should give them respect. But he has to prove himself to me and he is going to have to be willing to be patient with my feelings and my emotions. I am terribly shy and opening up can be hard for me and lately I feel like I'm not sure what direction I should go in. Lately I'm starting to think I'm not so much of a great girl as everyone is telling me. It would be nice however to start hearing that from guys...and not girls...yeah I love my friends but it would be nice to hear that I'm good looking to the opposite sex and that they could see me as more than a friend...I don't feel beautiful anymore and I am doubting my self and my confidence is sucky. I'm really lost and I don't like it one bit.

AHHHHHHH!!!!

Lately I've been feeling pretty blah with minor exceptions. Let's look at a few areas of my life, shall we? To start off with, I've been having problems with my stomach again...they were really bad then got a little bit better and now they are getting worse again. I want to just take this stomach out and get a new one. I am not sure what to do...well...my doctor said that I had to drink more water, exercise, and continually adding fiber to my diet and maintaining a balanced diet in which I eat throughout the day so I don't go hungry and things like that. I feel like college has totally screwed that up...the whole food thing as well as my sleep cycle. My bedtime is whenever the homework gets done lol. As far as my classes go...art is going fantastic...I recieved a 94 for my midterm and have been getting really good grades on every assignment. I love the people in my class and find it fairly easy to talk with them and to get to know them. I have a lot of fun being in art. I enjoy my government and history classes too. I have the same professer for both and he is really good at teaching. He demands participation from us and it is hard with me because I'm quiet. It definitely affected my grade. I get a's in both classes but today I found out I got a C+ because of lack of speaking up. And then there is math class. I absolutely dread this class and because of this class...I find math completely useless lol. My teacher is boring and doesn't explain things very well...the only good thing about that class is that I have Jamie in it and it's nice to finally be able to talk to my brother and get to know him. Now as far as relationships goes...I ended one a little over a month ago. It was the best decision of my life thus far. I am much happier now and I'm moving on to bigger and better things...though there is someone who has caught my attention and is hoping for the best...I want to give things time and just do what I need to do. I've not been at church in a long time and I'm starting to wonder if I should fine a church to start going to...so if you know of one let me know please. I believe God has always been faithful and He is continually. Life is beautiful right now and I'm the happiest I've been in a long long time.

Kiva

This morning I finally decided to get out the Kiva certificate for Kiva that Mr. Wood gave me as apart of my graduation gift. The certificate was for $25. I chose to give to Gloria Reyna Vasquez De Lima in Pucallpa-ucayali, Peru. She is in her late thirties and she is a weaver trying to make blouses to sell. She has a loan for $700 and I was her first doner. I am so excited to see her business grow and to help others get their small businesses up and running. I want to encourage anyone who can to donate, even if its a small amount. Doing things like this makes me feel like I can affect someone in a huge way. I know that if I was with a program with Kiva and I needed money for my small business that I would be completely humbled and grateful for someone believing in me. I do have experience with a small business considering my dad. I remember when we started out right at our house with my dad screen printing in the garage and laying signs all over the house to dry and having the Wilde Signs office in my bed room with my bed in the corner. I remember the struggles and the joys that came with starting a business and even now that my fathers sign company has business all over the country, we still have hardships. I appreciate what these people do and they are making a difference in their lives as well as their families and communities.