Not Happy

I am not happy right now. It seems my past is burdening me. Every mistake and every bad decision haunts me. It's either my parents or my sister who decide that I need to be reminded of the wrong things I do when I want to do something that doesn't seem to sit right with them. My feelings are crushed and I'm not just upset...I'm angry. I am angry that I am now eighteen and having such a hard time with my family accepting that I really want to be independent...the thing they've pushed me to be for so long. It's like everything I do that seems wrong to everyone and all I want to do is be my own person. I want to escape from the world that I've known and just find myself. I'm not the person I was before. I'm leaving the little girl who was so attached to mom and dad behind...I'm Charity the eighteen year old whose in college getting a degree in social work and making up my own mind and decisions. I'm taking responsibility for myself and seeing that it isn't so hard if I just push myself. It's like when your a kid you have your parents dress you, then when you get older you dress yourself how you want dress and you even buy your own clothes and chose how to spend your money. I'm eighteen. I'm done with dealing with being a big sister and trying to watch what I do for a sister who hasn't opened up to me. I love her dearly but she has been so hurtful to me that I feel like we just don't even need to talk sometimes. I always come back to the feeling that I should just move out and leave my family behind and get a job and keep my studies going and get on with life. My parents have pushed me so much and now that I'm eighteen I just never want to tell them what I'm doing or where I'm going...I just want to escape from it all...to just go on a trip and meet people and see things and experience things and do something great with my life. I'm tired of feeling like I'm doing nothing. I want to be happy and I'm not feeling like that right now. Life is chaotic and I feel lost with so much but I just want to feel like me, Charity, the person I've always been on the inside...outgoing and independent. I want to just be free of the past and the people who keep hurting me by bringing those hurts to the surface...they need to know that my feelings can't be toyed around with and I'm in a new season of my life. I will be happy someday...but when...

I am my own worst enemy...

I'm sitting at my dining room table listening to music and trying to plow my way through this annotative bibliography and I am in the middle of crashing into a wall and I'm not sure when the recovering will start. I am full of doubts, questions, confusion, and hopes. I am loosing confidence in what I really want to do and I feel like giving up sometimes. My parents keep getting on me about things and remind me that college is not high school and I understand that. College is hard for me. Its something that I still haven't gotten used to. My dad says, "well maybe your not ready for college..." and I was like no...I have to do this...there isn't anything else for me to do...I'm not going to put off my education even more...I would be more miserable doing nothing. I'm not the best student when it comes to things, but when it comes to certain classes....I really want to learn and be apart of the class even though I may be shy...I really am interested and want to do my best...I don't want my best effort to be a C-. I feel pressure from my family to do this or to do that but its not exactly what I envision....well I envision changing the world and that's a little hard to do by yourself. I have to find what I want to do in life and just do it and find my own way. I want to help people and that's it...whatever the career be...it will be centered around helping people and doing right by them. I want to give others opportunities and hope. I'm tired of being this shy person who keeps hitting the wall and is passive about so many issues. It needs to change and I need to make a plan and establish it and be proactive. I want to prove it to the people who doubt me and to the people who love and support me and for myself....because I truly am my own worst enemy.

What is this thing called Love?

Frank Frank Frank....oh how your melodies soothe me...I am giving up. I am giving up on trying to like a person or thinking that someone likes me. I am tired of it all. My self esteem has totally plummeted to near not having any and I can not focus like I usually can. My heart is entangled in something of a mess and I do not know what to do. I wish I could be in my mid twenties...and be like Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail or Keira Knightley in Pride & Prejudice...they ended up with great men whole loved them completely. I want a man to fall in love with me like James Stewart in It's a Wonderful Life when George falls in love with Mary when she grew up into a young woman and she had been waiting there in Bedford Falls...gah...I am a mess at the moment when dealing with this situation. I don't know if I know how to be in a relationship or what...I need to make a life plan for myself and just go with it and know that God is there with me and that I will make a difference in someone's life. I know that I deserve respect from a guy and that I should give them respect. But he has to prove himself to me and he is going to have to be willing to be patient with my feelings and my emotions. I am terribly shy and opening up can be hard for me and lately I feel like I'm not sure what direction I should go in. Lately I'm starting to think I'm not so much of a great girl as everyone is telling me. It would be nice however to start hearing that from guys...and not girls...yeah I love my friends but it would be nice to hear that I'm good looking to the opposite sex and that they could see me as more than a friend...I don't feel beautiful anymore and I am doubting my self and my confidence is sucky. I'm really lost and I don't like it one bit.

AHHHHHHH!!!!

Lately I've been feeling pretty blah with minor exceptions. Let's look at a few areas of my life, shall we? To start off with, I've been having problems with my stomach again...they were really bad then got a little bit better and now they are getting worse again. I want to just take this stomach out and get a new one. I am not sure what to do...well...my doctor said that I had to drink more water, exercise, and continually adding fiber to my diet and maintaining a balanced diet in which I eat throughout the day so I don't go hungry and things like that. I feel like college has totally screwed that up...the whole food thing as well as my sleep cycle. My bedtime is whenever the homework gets done lol. As far as my classes go...art is going fantastic...I recieved a 94 for my midterm and have been getting really good grades on every assignment. I love the people in my class and find it fairly easy to talk with them and to get to know them. I have a lot of fun being in art. I enjoy my government and history classes too. I have the same professer for both and he is really good at teaching. He demands participation from us and it is hard with me because I'm quiet. It definitely affected my grade. I get a's in both classes but today I found out I got a C+ because of lack of speaking up. And then there is math class. I absolutely dread this class and because of this class...I find math completely useless lol. My teacher is boring and doesn't explain things very well...the only good thing about that class is that I have Jamie in it and it's nice to finally be able to talk to my brother and get to know him. Now as far as relationships goes...I ended one a little over a month ago. It was the best decision of my life thus far. I am much happier now and I'm moving on to bigger and better things...though there is someone who has caught my attention and is hoping for the best...I want to give things time and just do what I need to do. I've not been at church in a long time and I'm starting to wonder if I should fine a church to start going to...so if you know of one let me know please. I believe God has always been faithful and He is continually. Life is beautiful right now and I'm the happiest I've been in a long long time.

Kiva

This morning I finally decided to get out the Kiva certificate for Kiva that Mr. Wood gave me as apart of my graduation gift. The certificate was for $25. I chose to give to Gloria Reyna Vasquez De Lima in Pucallpa-ucayali, Peru. She is in her late thirties and she is a weaver trying to make blouses to sell. She has a loan for $700 and I was her first doner. I am so excited to see her business grow and to help others get their small businesses up and running. I want to encourage anyone who can to donate, even if its a small amount. Doing things like this makes me feel like I can affect someone in a huge way. I know that if I was with a program with Kiva and I needed money for my small business that I would be completely humbled and grateful for someone believing in me. I do have experience with a small business considering my dad. I remember when we started out right at our house with my dad screen printing in the garage and laying signs all over the house to dry and having the Wilde Signs office in my bed room with my bed in the corner. I remember the struggles and the joys that came with starting a business and even now that my fathers sign company has business all over the country, we still have hardships. I appreciate what these people do and they are making a difference in their lives as well as their families and communities.

MCC FOR ME

I am going to MCC. I didn't want to but here I am...scheduling classes and figuring out how I'll pay for my classes since my FAFSA didn't come in on time. I like to think back to all the things that I wanted to be...the career that would essentially define who I was as a person. My first career that I wanted to pursue in the fourth grade was a teacher. I went from that to things like a fashion designer...a entrepenuer...interior designer...art teacher...chef and now I'm coming to a great conclusion. I have my career mapped out for me. I will be studying to get a bachelors in Social Work and a minor in Spanish. I want to do something that is going to help change the world. I've always wanted to do something that will change the world and I feel this career that I'm going into will become my life and it will not only make others feel better about their situation in life, but I feel like my heart will be changed as well. I need a job that will serve people and help them and encourage them to do what they love and get the help and love they need. I want to impact people's lives and do something worth my time and devote to others. I feel like the journey ahead of me will be worth it. I want to be a stronger and more noble person after college. As of right now...I'm timid and shy, easily intimidated, and insecure about a lot of things. I need this adventure because I need to grow so that I step out of that box that I have been so comfortable in. I need to feel independent. I want others to reach out to me instead of me always wanting to reach out to everyone else. I hate the way I feel because of what my parents might say to me...or my sister...or even my boyfriend. It's not always that they criticize me and point the finger at me and shove my mistakes in my face, because sometimes they do...but I'm tired of that. I don't like being that Charity who has a fear of everything...and who never wants to grow up...but that isn't the real me. I want to be outgoing and exciting. I don't want to be afraid of every little thing. I am ready for the real NEW & IMPROVED CHARITY...

Freedom

CURRENT STATUS: Graduated from Oakridge. Dating. No Job. No license. College? 17.

I don't think it's really hit me yet that I now have the rest of my life to be devoted to something...or may be many things. There is so much that I want to do. I feel like I will need a couple extra years in my life besides the how many ever God has planned for me. I am a graduate. The possibilities are endless. I have the world at my feet, and I can do anything...so Mr. Wood says. College = MCC. No more Aquinas. I am currently dating. I find that it's exactly the kind of relationship that I needed. Justin's the same age, I've known him since we were kids, and we graduated together....such a cool feeling. I am tired of dating older guys. They are too much for me and can really screw you up. I feel so blessed in every aspect of my life. I don't have a job however. I don't know what will happen with that...but we'll see. I still don't have my license which I will have to work on that as well. And this is all at 17. This shall be interesting....

It's eleven o one and homework isn't done...

I have been freaking out because I need to have a really huge project done for tomorrow and it isn't half way done and my grade depends on it. I don't know what to do because its late and I don't have much time tomorrow to finish and I feel physically sick. I have four other assignments that need to be done, one needed to be done on Friday. This is my last week of school and I am totally screwing it up. I feel so overwhelmed but I can't just relax because I probably wouldn't graduate. It's been a while since I posted a blog. I felt this would help. And I have so much college crap to deal with. I am going to go to MCC instead of Aquinas for so many reasons. I need my license and my mom won't get off my back about it even though it hurts my feelings....and all this makes me crazy and no one can really rely on me for stuff.....like church.....I never go anymore because I am sooooooo busy. I hate it. I just hope I can get through these next two weeks with grace, peace, and favor. I hope my exams go good and I get college stuff figured out so I have a stress free summer. I need to drive more but right now that is not what I'm concerned about.....now I have no energy to do anything else tonight. I am drained. God, please let me have a peaceful and smooth day tomorrow. Amen.....

LOVE IS.....

Beautiful. Worship is beautiful. Life is beautiful. I am so in love with beauty. I have been in and out of a journey for the past several months.....and I have found myself. I have found who I truly am and who I want to be. I have found that I am beautiful. I realize that God is in control. I realize that things need to change. I have come to an understanding that forgiveness is a need in life. Hope is something we all need. We must reach out and show others hope, because we know what it feels like when we ourselves don't have hope, and we don't wish that upon others. My heart has been heavy like so many of you out there in this big ball of rock and dirt. I am patching things up with my family, preparing for new life this year. My brothers are getting married to two wonderful young women, and one is having a baby this summer, so I will officially be an Aunt Charity come April. I am fighting my way to get to college because I only have three months left and once I get out, I will be independent and away from my parents and sister. This will really be hard for me, but the way we are now is no good. My relationship with my sister and parents needs a break, a bit of elbow room. Speaking of college, I am moving in August to Aquinas College. I haven't even visited it yet but that is where I am going. I have been in a search of what I really want to do with my life....for the past few years it has gone from fashion designer to chef to art teacher and has now rested on youth ministry and I am going to major in Theology. For me, this is a life changing experience. I feel like God is leading me in that direction because I want to change the world and share my faith to the world and be involved. I have this heart and it's longing to do amazing and powerful things. I was made to love and that is what I shall do. Loving is beautiful. Sharing the works of Jesus Christ is beautiful and so is being selfless and humble. God has been moving in my life and it feels so overwhelming thinking about it as I am writing this because for the past so many years I have been in and out of struggles with my faith, friends, family, and relationships and now things are falling into place. I am in love with the beauty of God's creation. We live in such a beautiful place. But there are still so many ugly things, things that aren't God worthy. This is why I want to do my best to change those things and minister to the youth and give up selfish dreams for the works of God. I am so grateful for all the things people have done in my life and how they have helped me. I thank my parents for loving me, and believeing in who I am and never giving up on me. I am thankful for all of my teachers and mentors for guiding me in my education and knowledge. I am thankful for the young adults in my life, especially Kimburley Carlson, who I have known for about four years. She will always be my big sister. I remember when I first met her on the bus to Aquire the fire and I sat next to her and she had safety suckers because her mom was of course, being a mom and the picture we took, her trying to eat my popsicle and I drinking something and it was just so fun. She is like the quote Don Miller writes in Blue like Jazz, "Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way." Every time I see Kimmi, my face lights up and she needs to know that she has impacted so many lives. She is one of my bestest friends and I thank her from the bottom of my heart for listening to me. I am thankful for the people I have gotten to know throughout the years, the kids at school, youth group, close up, and through other friends, you have all made me who I am and I carry your stories with me. My heart has the greatest burden and that is making sure our hearts cry's will be heard and that lives get changed. I love all of you so very much. Thank you for all you do. God bless all of you. Have a great week and may the sun shine for you always even though there may be clouds above your head.....

GOOD

I am doing really good. And I hope you all are doing good as well. I started going back to church and I haven't missed a day. I've gone four weeks in a row and I am so excited. I think I can make a great change in our youth group. God is giving this will in my life and I love it. I feel like He is leading me again. I can pray again and I feel change, real change. I praise God for all He is doing. I am also going to start singing again soon. That is very exciting! I have missed it, because in the past eight months, I've only sung once. Pathetic. So life is getting started. College is in a few months and my purpose is being fufilled! God is good. Amen.

DEPRESSION

At the moment, life sucks. Number One: God. I can't get close to Him for the life of me. Praying is an obstacle in itself. I feel alone. I feel like there is an invisible wall, and there seems to be nothing holding me back, but there is a stronger force than I realize. What have I become? Who am I? I am not the same person three and four years ago. I was happy then, in a naive way. I am not so happy. I think because I know the truth to so many things. God is the one thing that keeps me sane, and if I don't have Him, then what is worth living? I am reading The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren, and I feel hope when I read it. Number Two: Meaning. Reading that book, I feel will set me on my way to find my meaning in life. There is so many things I want to do before my life is over on this earth. I don't want to be selfish, I just want to do something bigger than myself, and have it be something I love at the same time. As of the moment I don't feel I am needed for anything, but somewhere out there, is a thought lingering in the air, a thought that says I am here for His divine purpose, that I am a beautiful person and I will be used in many ways. Number Three: Sympathy. I don't want to feel sorry for myself. I don't want others to have pity on me. I want help though, I want direction. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, "Help me, I need help!" I am scared. I am so scared of every new thing that enters my life, and all the old things in my past scare me. I am a truly unhappy, uncontent person. I am yet only seventeen years old, going through my mid life crisis. Ha, how ironic. Number Four: Friends. I have none. No true friends that I can surround myself with. No one from school can help fill the friendship void. No one shares the same interests as me. No one loves God so much as me at my school. I feel absolutely alone, and destitute. My heart aches for friendship. I watch as other girls get invited to do things right in front of me, and they don't bother to ask me or to include me. Apart of me has felt welcome at my school, for the first time in my whole life.....in my twelve and a half years of being in school, it was this past half year that I felt accepted the most. I have spent years being bullied by kids, being humiliated, and for the first time I feel accepted by the kids I have grown up with my whole life. I am just sorry that they don't know me, that we couldn't have gotten better aquainted because there is only five months left until graduation, and in which I may never seem some of them again. And I am sorry that I didn't do what I could. This fear has left me empty. And it has left me hurt. Who I am, is nothing as people see me. No one knows how bad my heart hurts because no one asks.