Not Happy

I am not happy right now. It seems my past is burdening me. Every mistake and every bad decision haunts me. It's either my parents or my sister who decide that I need to be reminded of the wrong things I do when I want to do something that doesn't seem to sit right with them. My feelings are crushed and I'm not just upset...I'm angry. I am angry that I am now eighteen and having such a hard time with my family accepting that I really want to be independent...the thing they've pushed me to be for so long. It's like everything I do that seems wrong to everyone and all I want to do is be my own person. I want to escape from the world that I've known and just find myself. I'm not the person I was before. I'm leaving the little girl who was so attached to mom and dad behind...I'm Charity the eighteen year old whose in college getting a degree in social work and making up my own mind and decisions. I'm taking responsibility for myself and seeing that it isn't so hard if I just push myself. It's like when your a kid you have your parents dress you, then when you get older you dress yourself how you want dress and you even buy your own clothes and chose how to spend your money. I'm eighteen. I'm done with dealing with being a big sister and trying to watch what I do for a sister who hasn't opened up to me. I love her dearly but she has been so hurtful to me that I feel like we just don't even need to talk sometimes. I always come back to the feeling that I should just move out and leave my family behind and get a job and keep my studies going and get on with life. My parents have pushed me so much and now that I'm eighteen I just never want to tell them what I'm doing or where I'm going...I just want to escape from it all...to just go on a trip and meet people and see things and experience things and do something great with my life. I'm tired of feeling like I'm doing nothing. I want to be happy and I'm not feeling like that right now. Life is chaotic and I feel lost with so much but I just want to feel like me, Charity, the person I've always been on the inside...outgoing and independent. I want to just be free of the past and the people who keep hurting me by bringing those hurts to the surface...they need to know that my feelings can't be toyed around with and I'm in a new season of my life. I will be happy someday...but when...